Clouds, feel me please

Whatever it was, it wasn't a day of monsoon as far as I vividly remember. The weather had been yet cold again, kind of like the days in winter. Well, not too cold. It was the sun, staying hideous behind the clouds as if it was scheming something. I personally find this kind of weather intriguing. It represents melancholy and peacefulness like the two sides of the same coin. Sometimes, the latter one lacks in my vision. Sadness takes over, but why does the peacefulness not completely leave, I wonder. Now, to each their opinion, I always repeat. Some may hate this preference of mine. I don't hate sunny days. In fact I find it fascinating too. Now there, not trying to put this two-tongued talk to take over. Please don't blame me. I don't know how I feel anymore, in a sense. See right there, I just went on to be a hypocrite again. It is not that I don't feel. I do and a lot more than you think I would. I just sometimes refuse to accept them, sometimes they refuse to accept me. Sometimes I feel that my feelings are too good to be true. Sometimes though, they are vivid, and I can clearly see them. But when? Right now? I don't know. I think there are many, combined. Do I call my feelings vivid, if they are as ambiguous as Yiruma's piano music I am listening to right now?

Another day yet passes as I inaugurate this paragraph moving my fingers across the keyboards I admire for life having no idea what I should write on. It was sunny just until an hour ago. Now sun's clouded with thoughts, I guess. The outside view from my window has a similar feeling to the day the picture represents, before the rainfall. If I leave my window half-open, the outside view from the glass is darker and more fascinating. It is feels kind of bluish, everything outside, but my eyes are dark. I have no idea why I wanted to write on that picture in the first place. Neither did I yesterday, nor do I today. Maybe, it has something to do with the weather.

Couldn't write much yesterday. Man, these sunny days can be annoying sometimes. Right now, though I don't hate the sun shining on my hair making me look like a yellow faced blond as I sit in the same spot on my bed, near the window, something feels lacking. I guess it must be something to do with sun. It is not lost in the thoughts today, but I am. I can't even look at it. It must be laughing with a big grin, white teeth. I don't even know why I am writing this. I feel it is not the proper weather today, but this work isn't finished yet. I need to complete this soon. And moreover, I still need to figure out why I started writing on that picture in the first place.

Yesterday was no good either. But guess what? I like the weather today. It's too beautiful to handle. Mixture of dust and smoke of this burning city doesn't make it less beautiful either. I think I'll be able to pull something off today. These clouds are watching over me. That must be why I feel so good today. I've heard some of my friends praise me. But I don't think my writing's good at all. And in no way am I being humble here. I'm dead serious. Just on the completion, it gives me a sense of satisfaction, but at the end of the day, it doesn't feel worthy of getting exaggerated appreciation. But today feels different. I think I might be able to pull something off. I feel like I really can. Watching your friends grow can be a beautiful thing. If you've noticed them grow, then you've already achieved a big feat. How much have I grown? I could ask them but I'm too shy. Some girls like shyness. So I'm fine with it. I'm totally cool on this. Now that I mentioned it, I get a lot of complaints from people around me that I repeat the word "girls" more often than I should. Just so you know that I'm having fun saying those things in front of you. Sometimes I may repeat "I will never get a girlfriend" just to piss you off. And since you fall for the trap by getting pissed, hohoho, it is a success. Repeating the words I usually do kind of has become a habit to me. To tell you the truth, I don't need a girl in my life. I'm better off alone. It is an important ingredient to path of becoming Buddha. But the question is; does becoming a Buddha get you money? Because if it can get you some, why not try it? That how the world works, right? Now that I realize it I went way off the topic. But I guess it's fine. The picture was a no-go to begin with. The content were unsatisfactory from the start. So, going off the topic does not matter, if you're having fun.

Today, I feel butterflies in my stomach. I feel funny, yet bitter. I love this sweet downpour I see outside the window. When I saw the weather playing the romantic games with me, I suddenly remembered I hadn't written on this topic for 3 or 4 days. These droplets remind me of the beautiful snowy hailstones from that night. Though the clothes I left to dry in the terrace experienced the scenery better than I did, it was the one of the most beautiful nights in a while. This day feels the same, but I don't know why. It's just rain. People may be running for life so they won't get wet and catch a cold and here I am, romantically fantasizing things human emotions would. So it's pretty easy for me to say I love this kind of weather. I don't have an umbrella, so I wonder what I would do if I was bathing outside at this very moment. I think I would still be enjoying what they call romance. I opened a window for a while to see the condition outside, and when the small bullets hit my cheek I decided to go make the terrace a visit. And here I am now, in the terrace sitting, writing things down while preventing myself from getting wet watching the downpour hit the ground, the sound of it and its smell.

Today, I think I am writing more than just a paragraph. I am not stopping at smell. I am still breathing, smelling this weird aroma I can't bring myself to describe. I am enjoying everything around me, yet inside I feel a little bitter. My heart's beating a little faster. Maybe because the clouds are weeping. They will soon feel light. Maybe be if I do the same, I will take something off my chest too. She must be weeping too right now, and heavily, just like I am. But it was her own fault. I did my job begging her not to leave me. But that day, that particular day, I did not cry. No, I didn't, even though I saw everyone around me screaming and weeping, I did not cry. Not even a little bit. I had promised her I wouldn't, even though I had been screaming hard, weeping, hitting my own chest hard for a past couple of weeks before the day. That was the day she left, but she left me giving me her typical million dollar smile. I could sell it, but I would never. Everyone was stunned to see me so quiet. They hadn't expected it from me, I guess. Why am I mentioning about me not crying so much, I wonder. Must be because I can't stop the tear flow right now. But I always wonder why and how I couldn't cry on that day. There are several things for me to wonder about. Why do I find this weather so fascinating? Why am I writing this? Why did I choose that picture to write on? I wonder. Why am I crying right now while writing this whole thing down. I thought I said it to myself that I wouldn't mention her anymore. Saying things related to her to someone secretly would be of another context, but why in the world am I writing this down. Even though it's been more that 2 years, why am I still fretting over this. It's all over. But, but, but I see her crying so badly and I can't hold myself back. Oh no, the paper is all wet. I hate you for this, you salty rainfall. I can't do this anymore. I won't write anything on this topic anymore. It is still baseless, as I see it. This whole piece of writing is nothing but a joke. Mira, why are you crying honey? Please don't cry, for I can't hold myself back to see you in this state.

Please Mira, stop it for me, stop raining so hard. Okay, I will tell them everything about you and what the picture makes me remember. I won't hide this feeling any longer. So please... stop it. I will ask Madhusudan for an umbrella and come visit your grave, all right baby? If I still see you crying.. I will hate you... you idiot...